A guy is getting ready for work. He drinks his coffee, fixes his tie, gathers his briefcase and walks out of his house. He is almost to his car when he realizes he forgot his keys. He turns around and heads back to the house, suddenly he notices a huge, 300 pound gorilla on his roof. It's beating its chest, pulling off shingles and throwing them on the ground.
"Damn!", says the guy, "I can't go to work with a gorilla on my roof!"
So he goes inside his house and picks up the phone book. Flipping through, not sure who to call, he finds a big, one page ad reading "Gorilla Removal Services". So he quick dials the number.
"Hello, Gorilla Removal Services . ."
"Yeah, I have a gorilla on my roof."
Don't worry, we'll be there soon, just give me the address."
So he gives the person the address and waits outside. 15 minutes later a van pulls up with "Gorilla Removal Services" written on his van. A man gets out and says,
"Ah, gorilla on the roof eh? I'll have him down in no time." And the man starts getting the tools out of his van. He gets a ladder, a pair of handcuffs, a little cage with a snarling pitbull in it, and a shotgun.
"Hey, whats all this stuff for?", says the guy.
"Well, this is what you need to get a gorilla. The procedure is like this, I take the ladder and get up on the roof. I then throw the gorilla off of the roof. As soon as he hits the ground, that pitbull is trained to bust out of the cage and bite him in the balls. The gorilla covers himself with both hands, you slap on the cuffs, and we take him away."
"Well, whats the shotgun for?"
"Thats a safty device. In the unlikely event that the gorilla throws ME off the roof . . .SHOOT THE DOG!"
anybody have any good ones?
There was this magic tractor. It was driving down a dirt road, and suddenly, it turned into a field.
So, this guy told me that I had some mold growing above my garage, but I told him that it was ok; it's just a spore-attic problem.
You know what a Freudian slip is? It's where you say one thing, but you were thinking of a mother.
/tip your waitress.
Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.
"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, ...but is this stool taken?"
A guy walks into a bar (ouch), sits down, orders a beer and as he's drinking it he glacing up at the cealing and sees dozons of steaks and other odd pieces of meat hanging from the eves.
"Hey bartender", the guy yells, "Whats with all the meat hanging from the cealing?"
"Its a bar bet. If you can stand on your stool, jump in the air and grab any piece of meat off the cealing with your teeth, you win $500. If you miss, you gotta eat 1 pound of raw ground beef."
The guy looks at the cealing, looks at the bartender, gets up and is about to climb onto his stool, when he shakes his head and sits down.
"No, I don't think I'll take that bet."
"The steaks are too high."
When the priest began lecturing about peace, everyone knew that it was going to be a mass of weapon destruction.
Why did I even read these? I knew it would be bad.:(
in linguistic theory and method last tuesday we talked about jokes and the purpose they served in society, to entertain and contribute to a sense of cohesion amongst different people. thank you, everybody, for contributing to that purpose *grins in a terribly dorktastic way*
oh, and the jokes were good too. i now very much desire a gorilla to ascend to my roof. for more than one reason, which we won't discuss.
Three friars were banished from their monastary for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They travelled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving. One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.
Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the people gave up and went home.
A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.
When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.
The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
omg omg omg
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