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Ian Mullen 09-07-2005 07:40 PM

Joke
 
A guy is getting ready for work. He drinks his coffee, fixes his tie, gathers his briefcase and walks out of his house. He is almost to his car when he realizes he forgot his keys. He turns around and heads back to the house, suddenly he notices a huge, 300 pound gorilla on his roof. It's beating its chest, pulling off shingles and throwing them on the ground.

"Damn!", says the guy, "I can't go to work with a gorilla on my roof!"

So he goes inside his house and picks up the phone book. Flipping through, not sure who to call, he finds a big, one page ad reading "Gorilla Removal Services". So he quick dials the number.

"Hello, Gorilla Removal Services . ."

"Yeah, I have a gorilla on my roof."

Don't worry, we'll be there soon, just give me the address."

So he gives the person the address and waits outside. 15 minutes later a van pulls up with "Gorilla Removal Services" written on his van. A man gets out and says,

"Ah, gorilla on the roof eh? I'll have him down in no time." And the man starts getting the tools out of his van. He gets a ladder, a pair of handcuffs, a little cage with a snarling pitbull in it, and a shotgun.

"Hey, whats all this stuff for?", says the guy.

"Well, this is what you need to get a gorilla. The procedure is like this, I take the ladder and get up on the roof. I then throw the gorilla off of the roof. As soon as he hits the ground, that pitbull is trained to bust out of the cage and bite him in the balls. The gorilla covers himself with both hands, you slap on the cuffs, and we take him away."

"Well, whats the shotgun for?"

"Thats a safty device. In the unlikely event that the gorilla throws ME off the roof . . .SHOOT THE DOG!"

anybody have any good ones?
IM

09-07-2005 07:56 PM

There was this magic tractor. It was driving down a dirt road, and suddenly, it turned into a field.

So, this guy told me that I had some mold growing above my garage, but I told him that it was ok; it's just a spore-attic problem.

You know what a Freudian slip is? It's where you say one thing, but you were thinking of a mother.

/tip your waitress.

Kevin P. Egan 09-07-2005 08:04 PM

Two male flies are buzzing around, cruising for good looking females. One spots a real cutie sitting on a pile of cow manure and dives down toward her.

"Pardon me" he asks, turning on his best charm, ...but is this stool taken?"

Ian Mullen 09-08-2005 10:31 AM

another
 
A guy walks into a bar (ouch), sits down, orders a beer and as he's drinking it he glacing up at the cealing and sees dozons of steaks and other odd pieces of meat hanging from the eves.

"Hey bartender", the guy yells, "Whats with all the meat hanging from the cealing?"

"Its a bar bet. If you can stand on your stool, jump in the air and grab any piece of meat off the cealing with your teeth, you win $500. If you miss, you gotta eat 1 pound of raw ground beef."

The guy looks at the cealing, looks at the bartender, gets up and is about to climb onto his stool, when he shakes his head and sits down.

"No, I don't think I'll take that bet."

"Why not?"

"The steaks are too high."

hardyharhar

09-08-2005 12:04 PM

When the priest began lecturing about peace, everyone knew that it was going to be a mass of weapon destruction.

John D. Holcomb 09-09-2005 10:27 AM

Why did I even read these? I knew it would be bad.:(

09-09-2005 01:20 PM

in linguistic theory and method last tuesday we talked about jokes and the purpose they served in society, to entertain and contribute to a sense of cohesion amongst different people. thank you, everybody, for contributing to that purpose *grins in a terribly dorktastic way*

oh, and the jokes were good too. i now very much desire a gorilla to ascend to my roof. for more than one reason, which we won't discuss.

Kevin P. Egan 09-10-2005 02:32 PM

Three friars were banished from their monastary for various rule violations, so they decided to start a business together. They travelled around until they found a town that they liked, and opened up a plant shop. Their floral business was soon thriving. One day, a woman was shopping at the friar's store, and while she was strolling down an aisle with her toddler, a large plant reached out, grabbed the child, and ate it. Needless to say, the women was quite upset at the loss of her child. However, the friars refused to believe that one of their plants could have done such a thing. The woman told all of her friends about the incident, and soon everyone in the town was in an uproar. They decided to kick the friars out of town. Every person in the town, except for a man named Hugh, gathered outside of the friars shop, shouting, waving sticks, and demanding that they leave. But the friars said "No. We're not leaving". So the townspeople gave up and went home.
Well, a couple weeks later, another woman was walking through the friar's shop, looking at plants with her baby, when a plant grabbed her child and ate it. She ran through the streets screaming that a plant had swallowed her baby. The townspeople were outraged, and again gathered outside the floral shop (except for Hugh), waving torches, and demanding that the friars leave town at once. But the friars said, "No way." and all the people gave up and went home.
A few days later, yet another woman dared to take her child into the floral shop. She held her infant tightly in her arms, but it was no use. A large ficus wrestled the child from her arms, and ate it.
When the townspeople heard of this, they were extremely upset. They again gathered outside the friar's store (except for Hugh), yelling and threatening bodily harm to the friars if they didn't leave town. But the friars said, "We're staying". So, the citizens gave up and began to go home. Just then, Hugh showed up. He walked up to the friars, and said, "Get out of town, now!". The friars immediately packed up all their belongings and fled that very day, never to be heard from again.
The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

Kevin P. Egan 09-10-2005 02:35 PM

Surpisingly enough, in Tina's Humor Archive there is a whole section devoted to Drew. Most of the humor deals with the Aide Station but also some of the Govenors School

Golbanou Tabatabaie 09-10-2005 02:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin P. Egan
The moral of this story is: Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.


Bwahahahaha

omg omg

*breathes*

omg omg omg


hah

09-10-2005 03:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Dia O'Neil
in linguistic theory and method last tuesday we talked about jokes and the purpose they served in society, to entertain and contribute to a sense of cohesion amongst different people. thank you, everybody, for contributing to that purpose *grins in a terribly dorktastic way*

oh, and the jokes were good too. i now very much desire a gorilla to ascend to my roof. for more than one reason, which we won't discuss.


Monkey oral sex jokes, what?

09-10-2005 04:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Amanda L. Brennan
Monkey oral sex jokes, what?


shut up! i will never live that down. "i've yet to find anything that makes dia uncomfortable...but i will!" *smacks hand*

Mike Richichi 09-10-2005 06:39 PM

Well, yeah
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by Kevin P. Egan
Surpisingly enough, in Tina's Humor Archive there is a whole section devoted to Drew. Most of the humor deals with the Aide Station but also some of the Govenors School


And it's all at least 15 years old. You were barely alive.

How'd you even find it? Oh yeah, Google. Darn that Google!

Kevin P. Egan 09-10-2005 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike Richichi
And it's all at least 15 years old. You were barely alive.

How'd you even find it? Oh yeah, Google. Darn that Google!

Actually I've known about Tina's Humor Archive for years. I found it in high school and have been torturing teachers w/ the floral friars joke for years. I personally love the L-Users jokes. I never did get the Drew University jokes then....and not really know either. Perhaps a new story involving "interesting cookies" can be added.

Ian Mullen 09-11-2005 02:52 PM

Anutter one
 
What's black and white, black and white, black and white, and red?

A nun falling down some steps.

09-11-2005 08:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mike Richichi
And it's all at least 15 years old. You were barely alive.

How'd you even find it? Oh yeah, Google. Darn that Google!


aw, you should be happy that people are reading your contributions.

Betsy Black 09-11-2005 09:16 PM

Wow, I know lots of people on The Easter list even though I didn't start until '97. Why no Easter Alan?

Obligatory joke:

Bush walked outside and saw his shadow yesterday. That means 6 more weeks of vacation.

Kevin P. Egan 09-12-2005 03:47 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Betsy Black
Wow, I know lots of people on The Easter list even though I didn't start until '97. Why no Easter Alan?

Obligatory joke:

Bush walked outside and saw his shadow yesterday. That means 6 more weeks of vacation.

Awww, and something bad always happens when he's on vacation. He's lucky he had all that time to relax so that he can go about solving the problems he creates with a fresh mind.

09-12-2005 11:04 AM

A man was kayaking in the Arctic Ocean when his arms grew tired. He decided to rest a while but realized, "Holy crap, it is cold." He got an idea. He grabbed a few useless pieces from his kayak, put them together in a bundle, and lit a match. And...promptly sank.

Proving once and for all you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

09-12-2005 10:36 PM

Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.

A man runs into a doctor's office yelling "doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor said "sir, please calm down. you're going to have to be a little patient."

Kevin P. Egan 09-13-2005 03:26 AM

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer - you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of Hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell and starts designing and building improvements. After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up here." Satan says, "No way, I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

09-15-2005 08:10 PM

I loved that joke! Good work, Bald! Glad to know someone else knows it.

Anyways, on to my "contribution"...
A brunette and a blonde are in a bar watching the 6 o'clock news, and the top story is a guy threatening to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge.

The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "Bet you $5 he jumps."

The blonde says, "Deal!"

They watch and sure enough, the guy jumps. As the blonde's about to hand over the money, the brunette makes a confession.

"I can't take this money," she said, "I saw him jump on the 5 o'clock news." To which the blonde replies:

"So did I! I didn't think he'd do it again!"

09-15-2005 08:11 PM

There should be a rimshot after each one of these posts.

Golbanou Tabatabaie 09-16-2005 12:39 AM




...................

09-16-2005 01:12 AM

well.

I'll be.

Kevin P. Egan 09-16-2005 01:03 PM

lessons in Biology
 
1 Attachment(s)
Dr. Parker, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smith, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions."

Miss Smith gasped, blushed deeply, then said freezingly, Dr. Parker, I do not think that is a proper question to ask me, you should be asking a boy. And I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down, very red-faced.

Unperturbed, Dr. Parker called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."

"Correct," said Dr. Parker. "And now, Miss Smith, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

Attachment 2

09-16-2005 04:26 PM

So, uh...have you heard Bush's new stance on Roe v. Wade?


[spoiler]
Frankly, he doesn't care how people get out of New Orleans...
[/spoiler]

gah! spoiler tags don't worK! wtf.

09-16-2005 06:02 PM

use

Code:

[color=white]text here[/colour]

to make spoilers, but spelled "color" both times. I tried to make the code show without using CODE tags, but it didn't work. I was hoping & # 9 1 ; without spaces wouldn't show up until the HTML was processed on the computer, but no luck. and then I couldn't find the way to show the code without mispelling color, or at least mixing American and British. feh.

is there any way to make it so that a part of code isn't processed?

you've found the easter egg. congrats.

09-22-2005 01:16 PM

I'm confused.

You can change the color in the toolbox.

So what is a spoiler tag?

09-22-2005 03:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ryan J. Crowley
I'm confused.

You can change the color in the toolbox.

So what is a spoiler tag?


You can also change the color using tags, as compared to the menu of colors.

Russell W. Sprague 09-22-2005 04:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ryan J. Crowley
I'm confused.

You can change the color in the toolbox.

So what is a spoiler tag?

Spoiler tags are often used on message boards to mask spoilers from those who, well, don't want things spoiled. On the KoL forums, for example, the spoiler tags used to be black boxes with white text that changed to white text on mouseover. After some complaints, it was switched to black text on black that required people to highlight the text.

09-22-2005 06:21 PM

so you can post punchlines so people don't skip them, or post stuff like "spoiler: Vader is Luke's father" in spoiler tags so people who haven't seen the movie don't read it and have the movie ruined.

and on a KOL note, I think I have like 80 more adventures until I'm out of ronin. I'm close.

Russell W. Sprague 09-22-2005 06:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zachary C. Kanfer
so you can post punchlines so people don't skip them, or post stuff like "spoiler: Vader is Luke's father" in spoiler tags so people who haven't seen the movie don't read it and have the movie ruined.

I loved that scene in Cheers where Frasier goes off on a tirade, ruining a whole series of books and movies for the people in the bar.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Zachary C. Kanfer
and on a KOL note, I think I have like 80 more adventures until I'm out of ronin. I'm close.

Good times! I need to play more often, I've been neglecting the clan.

09-23-2005 02:34 AM

LOL@me rejoining KoL. Lol @ me not deciding if I want the job yet. But I promise I'll decide tomorrow after I take the Norton test.

On my other board, its a link that says spoiler: and then a quote box comes up when you click it. It's faaaabulous.

09-23-2005 10:25 AM

I've seen javascript buttons for spoiler tags, too. those are pretty cool, because they don't display anything other than "spoiler: [button]" until you click the button.

07-24-2006 01:53 PM

A man walks into a talent agent's office and says... "Have I got an act for you"

The talent agent looks at him and asks "Well what is it?"

The man says "Oh it's great. It's got something for everyone. In fact, it's not just me but its a family act with my wife, her parents, and my son and daughter.

WARNING - I don't think I will be allowed to finish this joke. So rent The Aristocrats. ;)


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